


“And, when I do...”

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 03:52:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15282996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Goofy Series XI fluff set after “Samsara.”  Rimmer takes his board games seriously, and Lister knows when he’s beaten.Had I a hat, I’d tip it to LordValeryMimes for “Coitus Interruptus,” and to felineranger for “I Do.”  I’ve shamelessly stolen elements of both for my nefarious purposes, and I thank you both!





	“And, when I do...”

**Author's Note:**

> Felineranger: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3504932
> 
> LordValeryMimes: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8792302/chapters/20156596
> 
> Read these - they’re both hilarious!

Rimmer lay on his bunk, back turned to the room, pretending to be absorbed in a biography of Alexander the Great. He was pointedly ignoring Lister and the Cat, who were huddled together on the sofa, murmuring to one another and occasionally stifling bursts of laughter. To Rimmer’s annoyance, they didn’t seem to notice that they were being ignored. Gits. 

Since the Great Mineopoly Cheating Incident of several days ago, Rimmer had been avoiding his partner as much as possible, barely speaking to him, and booting him unceremoniously from their shared bunk. Rimmer took his board games seriously. He had even briefly considered moving out of their shared quarters, but a tiny inner voice of reason managed to convince him that that would be going a bit overboard, even as retaliation for such a gross offense against him. _Not that Lister would care,_ he thought bitterly. _He’s perfectly happy hobnobbing with that idiotic moggy, the little gimboid._

As though cued by his thoughts, at that moment the little gimboid slid off the sofa and, idiotic moggy in tow, headed out of the bunkroom with a cheery, “See ya, Rimmer!” The hologram grunted something unintelligible in response, determined to show Lister how little he cared about whatever nonsense he was engaging in with Cat. As the door slid shut, however, Rimmer sighed sadly, then closed his eyes, hoping for a nap. Remaining angry was proving to be exhausting. 

_Yes, and lonely,_ his libido piped up.

 _Smeg off,_ Rimmer’s pride retorted. _This is far too grave an insult to be rectified by sex, no matter how tempting thoughts of Lister’s warm, honeyed skin, plump, rounded bottom, and soft, sweet kisses may be..._

_Damn it, libido. Smeg. Off._

Rimmer eventually slipped into a fitful, restless sleep through which a naked Listy danced teasingly.

He was abruptly awakened several hours later by an odd rustling noise coming from across the darkened bunkroom. Sleep-addled, at first he fumbled for the cricket bat he had once kept stashed by his bunk to fend off the eldritch horror that was the ambulatory Talkie Toaster, fearing that the thing had somehow risen from Silicon Hell to exact its revenge. As consciousness fully returned, however, he remembered flushing its mangled remains out of an airlock, and figured that, whatever fresh new hell was lurking nearby, at least it wouldn’t offer him any toast. He found that thought oddly reassuring. 

Before Rimmer could speak, he heard Lister command, “Lights!” The sight revealed to the hologram’s disbelieving eyes struck him speechless, and he could only stare. There stood Lister, blushing and looking demurely at the floor, clad in a rather lovely, off-the-shoulder, full-skirted, ivory evening gown. Cat stood nearby, beaming like a felinoid fairy godmother. He purred, “What do you think, Goalpost Head?”

Rimmer said nothing, and just continued to stare at Lister.

“Bud, I think we broke him. Where did we put that felt-tipped marker?”

The hologram dragged his gaze away from his partner long enough to sit up on the edge of the bunk and snarl, “Try it, you feline moron, and I’ll use your guts to string you up outside the ship as a warning to any other stupid cats that may be around. Remember, blood clashes with mauve, and the stains will never come out.” Offended, Cat hissed angrily, and stalked out of the room, but not before grabbing a bottle of milk from the kitchenette. 

“Bloody, stupid animal,” Rimmer grumbled. “At least he’s gone.” Turning his attention back to Lister, he asked, “Now, for the love of Io, what are you doing dressed like that?”

“Well,” Lister replied slowly, looking shyly up at Rimmer, “it’s like this. I know you’re royally smegged off at me for cheating at Mineopoly. You probably would have won...”

“Probably? Now, see here, squire...!”

“Will you hush, man? I’m trying to apologize here.” 

“Sorry. Go on.”

“Thank you. Now, as I was saying, you probably would have won had I not been switching out cards, and had that Karma Drive smeg not been affecting us. So, I thought that I should make good on our deal, and asked Cat to help me find an evening gown.” 

“...Oh.”

“He said this one looks OK on me, although not as good as it would look on him - what do you think? I’ll be wearing it for a while, as I’m thinking that bagpipes and James Last aren’t my thing, so I figured at least it should look nice. It’s comfortable, and I do feel, well, pretty.” Lister swished his skirts and curtsied to his partner. Looking down at his feet again, he then half-whispered, “I miss you, Arn. I’m sorry.” 

Rimmer regarded Lister thoughtfully for a moment, then rose, a distinctly predatory look in his eyes. Without a word, he strode purposefully across the bunkroom floor and embraced Lister, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss. Still without speaking, the hologram then tenderly lifted his partner in a bridal carry and headed out of the bunkroom for the captain’s quarters, passing a shocked Kryten in the corridor without so much as a glance.

Much later, Lister sleepily remarked, “So, that gown didn’t have to stay on as long as I thought. Maybe I should have gone with the sexy little red number after all.”

“I’m always up for another game, Listy.”

“Well, up, at any rate.”

“Shut up and kiss me, gimboid.”

“Smeghead.”


End file.
